CHECKING

I have a symptom of a psychological disorder. Actually, I probably have several, but this one can be bothersome at times. Recently, my "checking" compulsion has kicked into high gear. This "checking" behavior has been a problem for years and years, but in recent years it had more or less calmed down. It decreased when I quit my last job and got my new job. My old job was a 24-7-365 experience of impending doom. "Checking" is one symptom of a specific anxiety disorder.



But, with Dakota fighting her second battle with cancer, Eric's sister (Ann) being in ICU for nearly a month in respiratory failure followed by respitatory distress, and now with Cassie having suffered a stroke---it's back. Now, the first thing I do in the morning when I wake is carefully check every living creature in the house to make sure they are still alive. Jake, our 16 year old dog, was quite surprised and somewhat annoyed when I woke him to make sure he was alive this morning. He was stretched out asleep on his bed and he had carefully swaddled himself in his king sized blanket. The look he gave me was "What's wrong with you--I'm sleeping in". Given what has been going on in our family, I'm having somewhat irrational fears of impending doom for those I love. Poor Eric cannot spend any length of time in the bathroom without being "checked".



This compulsion, while annoying, has not been debilitating in my life. Although, I will admit that I have more than once (actually, many many times) turned around and returned home after 40 miles of driving just to check to see if I had turned the iron off. I solved that problem by not ironing. I don't even know where the iron is. Dry cleaning bills increased, but gas expenditures decreased. Plus, I usually purchase clothing that never needs an iron as long as I take it out of the dryer immediately or before the cycle truly ends. I try always to leave early for appointments to build in time to turn around and come back if need be. Stopping ironing did not rid me of the "checking" behavior. Worry about the iron was replaced with worry about something else. There are rituals that go along with this disorder. For example, before I leave the house all the ashtrays must be placed in the sink. Normal people consider this behavior somewhat odd.



I am not plagued with full blown obsessive-compulsive disorder. I am not "Monk" or "Columbo" although I can probably be as annoying to other people. In many ways, the trait can be a strength given what I do for a living. I'm almost invariably early for work and court dates. I over prepare beyond anything that any relatively normal person can image for court dates. Recently, I met two Assistant Attorney Generals to do court prep for a trial and one of them asked me a question that he expected to be asked of me during trial. After about a 1/2 hour answer, he said "OK, just in the interest of time tonight let us go to the next question". It was clear to both of them that I was completely over prepared. One of them said to do exactly what I was doing on the stand because the jury had not heard this information previously and needed to hear it. The two lawyers had worked the case as long as I had and knew the details well. The purpose of court prep is to make sure the witness is prepared and ready to go. I doubt they have any idea of the endless hours I'd put in on that case before we ever got to court prep. I know my tendency to over prepare is profoundly irritating to the other side in court.



When I'm doing an assessment, preparing the investigative part, preparing for case consultation and I discover there is missing evidence--------I can be very annoying until I get that evidence. I've never understood the propensity of law enforcement to lose evidence-------not even in 30 year old cases. I was quite prepared to board a plane (at my own expense) to fly to Omaha and drag some poor old cop out of a nursing home because I couldn't understand what happened in a 30 year old case. The man was not tried for his part in the abduction and brutal gang rape of two teenage girls. I was quite prepared to go find out why all those charges were dropped. There was more than enough evidence to convict the man. Fortunately, my boss intervened and the Attorney General sent one of their investigators to get the information. Sometimes, I have to trust other people and that is very hard.

Sometimes, it is not just that 30 year old evidence disappears. At times, records are lost, old cops die, victims are lost to time and the mobility of American culture. I don't deal well with "No" when those things happen. And, I am quite sure that the investigators for the Attorney General collectively groan when they find out I've been assigned a case. I can be a persistant, determined, tenacious woman. Some people call it pushy.

It's not just an issue of "winning" although "winning" is nice. It's an issue of somebody, somewhere has got to speak for those victims.