ARMPIT OF THE NATION

Drove all the way to the armpit of the nation on Thursday. The first time I had to go there, I was awakened repeatedly during the night by what appeared to be Blackhawk helicopters hovering outside my window. Scared me half silly. These helicopters did not have markings. The second time I was there, the health department had closed down the hotel's restaurant. I asked for a recommendation at the front desk and they directed me about 6 blocks away to a place called Hoops. I walked down to find a street that was lined with strip joints. Feeling a tad uncomfortable and out of place, I peered through the window of Hoops and decided to skip dinner. Looking in, I just knew that if I entered that place it would lead to my arrest and require me to phone the young Asst. AG to come get me out of jail. The next time I went, I noticed very strange sounds coming from the next hotel room over. It sounded like someone was being assaulted--lots of thuds, falling, moans, etc. Then, the vomiting started and I realized that someone had been drinking way too much. I couldn't help but wonder when one would have to start drinking to be that drunk by 9 pm. This is alleged to be the premier hotel in the armpit of the nation!!!!

This time, I got to the hotel and checked in. I dragged all my stuff from the car and got it to the room. Fortunately, I didn't unpack. I look around for an ashtray and there is none. I go downstairs to the front desk to ask for an ashtray. I'm informed that it is a non-smoking room. Catherine knows that I will not stay in a non-smoking room and she always reserves me a smoking room. Catherine is very good at her job and doesn't make mistakes. I explain that the confirmation form specified a smoking room. Well, they didn't have one. I suggested they create one. No, they weren't going to create one. Seems their hotel has this rule that only 20 rooms are smoking and they were all booked. I ask why they didn't tell Catherine that when she booked the room. They say Catherine must have misunderstood. Catherine does not misunderstand. Then, they tell me that all their smoking rooms are under renovation. The stories kept changing.

So, I explained that I was going to check out and go to a different hotel. I called Catherine. She gets me a reservation at the Ramada Inn (for $1.00 less a night) and I moved. This state has a new law that went into effect January 1, 2008 that people can't smoke in any public place or within 15 feet of the door of any public place. I hate the Smoking Nazi's.

Anyway, I drag all my stuff back to the car and find the Ramada Inn. These people were also kind enough the next morning to print me a Mapquest Map of how to get from the Ramada Inn to the prison. By the way, you can't smoke on the grounds of any of the prisons either. I hate the Smoking Nazi's.

So, the next morning I head out to the prison and find it without difficulty. By 10 am I realize that I am having chills. The kind of chills very elderly people have shortly before death. I literally was unable to control the shaking of my legs and could barely walk. I managed to complete the evaluation and attempted to drive home. Thank God, the car has a heater that normally turns the car into a furnace just 2 degrees below the temperature needed for cremation. Thank God, the car has cruise control and an automatic transmission. My legs were not working well. I just kept getting sicker and at times believed I would not make it home.

I finally arrived home. I was still having chills. I did not have the energy to get my suitcases in from the car. In fact, I just got them in and the dirty clothes in the laundry. I sprawled on the couch under heavy blankets shaking so hard that the couch vibrated. These chills alternated about every 4 to 5 hours with a high fever and severe sweating. Everything hurt. My muscles ached. The bones in my knees ached. My lungs were so congested I could not breathe. My nose was running non-stop. I had the worst headache of my life. Everytime, I coughed (which was often) I developed sudden gastrointesinal surprises. By midnight, I was engaging in projectile vomiting all over the procelain tile. I was able to eat nothing until Monday at Noon.

Monday evening, Eric came home from work. He said to me "why didn't you tell me that you had contracted a weapon of mass destruction". He said, "If I'd known how sick you were, I'd have been more compassionate". He's in the bed right now under piles of blankets shivering and causing the bed to vibrate. He hurts everywhere. We're trying to contact the doctor.

As for me, the chills and fever have passed. I still have a bad headache, still coughing and sneezing uncontrollably.

Every single time, I venture to the armpit of the nation something bad happens to me. I hate the armpit of the nation and I hate Smoking Nazi's.